Still...Can't Believe He's Gone

 This is a post I've dreaded to write, but I know I must. It still feels unreal, as if it hasn't happened, but no matter how it feels, the fact is our family has lost a loved one, and it hurts.

On Wednesday, November 10th John passed away. I've known John for almost thirty years. We met when I met my wife's family, back when we were dating. John married my wife's oldest sibling. They had three small children when I joined the family. Now, those three kids have children of their own, children and grandchildren who have lost a father and grandfather.

As the family's oldest and longest in-law John always maintained a special place in the family hierarchy. We looked up to him, and not just because he was taller than the rest of us. When we gathered at their home or with the extended family, we looked to John to organize, to be a wonderful host. The above picture was taken eight years ago when we visited Pam and John in California and they spent an entire day walking around the city, all for us, all to make our visit as enjoyable as possible...something they didn't have to do.

Their children grew up in Utah and once they left to pursue their own lives, John and Pam moved to California. Since then, we've only seen them occasionally, not enough, really. We used to go to John's house many times when they lived close, for family parties, for holidays, even to support their children in sports and other activities. It's always been both of them...they were inseparable, "Pam and John" were like one. 

Being adopted, I always knew that I was "placed" in my family. When I married, I joined another family. I never felt excluded when I got married. John was a big reason for that. He always treated me with respect. Whenever John and I spoke, I knew the conversation would be interesting, and not just on a surface level. John was a thinker, but not someone who needed to let everyone know how much he knew. That was not his style.

Maybe it's because they moved and we saw them so infrequently. Maybe it's because I've always known them as a pair, but it's still difficult for me to accept his passing. It seems so unreal...so wrong.

We are a family in mourning. One of our leaders, our fathers, our friends is no longer with us. It is the way of life, of course. It just happened so quickly, so unexpected. And when the family gathers in the future, there will be a void...a void I'm still forcing myself to accept.