Steve's Version Of Christmas Carol...Not Quite Like Dickens's

I have a friend Steve who occasionally sends me text messages. Last night, while I was at rehearsal, he texted me with an alternate spin on an old Christmas classic, the same classic we were rehearsing--Charles Dickens's A Christmas Carol.

Thanks to free tickets, Steve's seen me perform in several productions of this story on stage. Of course, we all know the story of a bitter man and his journey to self-discovery and redemption. But Steve's mind works a little different than most. I give you the following text messages as proof.

He started this off by typing this:

Steve:

        I want to see some twist endings this holiday season.

ScottyMac: (me)

Tiny Tim dies.

Steve:

Cratchit is a millennial with student loan debt.

His open marriage ends in  neopagan non-divorce so his partner can be the first transgender on real house wives of Dickensville.

ScottyMac:

I smell Emmy!

Steve:

Smell something.

I like the tiny Tim ending.

Don’t forget that Scrooge is a trump supporter.

Cratchit works a medicinal dispensary from Scrooge’s office.

And dresses as a hipster.

Scrooge, who sees ergonomic work stations and alternative vegan meals as an expensive waste, is declared a bigot. 

ScottyMac:

It’s illegal to perform that version in Utah County.

Steve:

A pending lawsuit against Scrooge (you decide) fails to gain traction so Cratchit and his entitled friends find a loophole in some OSHA law and an anonymous tip to the feds leads to Scrooge paying hefty fines to the feds which leads to layoffs.

Cratchit lights up Scrooge’s accounting firm on his personal blog run off a danish domain.

While simultaneously filing for unemployment benefits.

And this is why I don’t have any friends.

There are no spirits or Christmas season because of religious insensitivity.

But there are caroling scientists singing about climate change.

Scrooge is the only white male.

Everyone else on stage fills a notch in an ethnic gender checklist.

 I doubt anyone anywhere would want to see such a production, yet somehow it appeared in Steve's mind. When he gets on these tangents, I try to keep up, but mostly I just stop responding and see what he comes up with.

No, our version has no lawsuits, no loopholes, no Hipster Cratchits. We've stuck to the script written  some 150 years after the original with catchy songs, confusing timelines, and tap-dancing showgirls.

Because we're keeping it real.

If you're in the area during this Christmas season, checkout Centerpoint Legacy Theatre's A Christmas Carol. I promise it won't be anything like Steve's version, even if you may have wanted to see that one...